Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Three's a Crowd

I was dating this great guy.   He was awesome! 

And then I met...his boyfriend.

It's true.  It really happened.  It is one of Dave's favorite stories.

This was YEARS ago, mind you.  I was in my early to mid-20's, long before I learned to turn on my gay-dar.  I was at a party celebrating a mutual friend's birthday where this friend introduced me to who I like to refer to as "Shoulda' Been Obvious".

"Shoulda' Been Obvious" and I started chatting away and laughing, laughing, laughing, getting each other drinks and dancing the night away.  We made plans to hang out again.  And again.  And again.  Pretty soon we were spending lots of time together.  We would hug and then after a few weeks we would hold hands sometimes...and then after a little while longer we would kiss each other (just a peck) when we would greet or leave each other. 

(I know, this is so confusing right?)

Then one day he calls me to meet make plans for dinner and says, "I'm going to bring someone that I want you to meet, ok?"

Ok!  Sure!  The more the merrier.

So, imagine my surprise when I walk up to the bar at the restaurant and he introduces me to his friend.  Or as I like to call him "my boyfriend stealer", aka "Thief".  A little harsh, maybe, but who has control over what their mind decides is a very fitting nickname, hmmm?

"Thief" was nice, funny, cute and very welcoming.  After a few minutes he excused himself to use the restroom and as soon as he was out of earshot "Shoulda' Been Obvious" quickly turns to me and asks,

"Sooooo?  What do you think?"

I look at his smiling face and a little confused I ask, "About what?"

"Shoulda' Been Obvious"" points at "Thief's" bar stool and says, "About Thief!  Isn't he great?  I met him about a week ago and we've totally hit it off.  I really like him."

A bit of  a pause here.

Then all I could say was, "I didn't realize you were gay." 

He laughs and waves his hand not realizing I was serious, "Yeah, right!"

Holy shit.  What?  So incredibly confused.

You know the part in the movies where everything comes together and a million scenes come flying at you one after the other explaining little things that should have been obvious at the time but weren't and now are clear as a bell?  That's exactly what happened.

So to help all you lovely people from having your heart broken like mine was at that moment let me tell you the top 5 clues that SHOULD have made clear to me the fact that "Shoulda' Been Obvious" was Just Not That Into Me:

5.  He was an amazing dresser.  He would sometimes suggest a different accessory to the one I was wearing.  But these were the days where being "Metrosexual" was becoming more common.
4.  We dance, I lead.
3.  After a month of casually holding hands and pecks on the lips/cheek nothing else ever happened?
2. I order a Grey Goose Dirty Martini.  He orders a Zima.
1.  He introduces me to his new boyfriend.  Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  Ding! 

"Shoulda' Been Obvious" and I still keep in touch and he refers to me as his first and only girlfriend.  Thank goodness he has a sense of humor.  When he realized I was serious about not realizing he was gay he looked absolutely stunned.  And then he gave me a big smile and a huge hug and said, "You are nuts.  I love you!"


Monday, March 15, 2010


I can't believe I forgot to tell you guys about this...  vote for which story will go into my book of my most memorable/embarrassing moments. Put your vote in the comments. 

Awesome story #1:

It was early on a very, very rainy Monday morning.  I had run out of the house looking my usual fabulous self in yoga pants, tank with built in shelf bra (underwire is an absolute MUST after childbirth), my favorite zip front sweatshirt with a beautiful lotus flower embroidery on the front and black converse spattered with Pumpkin Spice paint from Behr.  Hair pulled into a ponytail and glasses to finish off this hot look.

On my way back home I stopped at the gas station.   As I got out of the car I happened to glance towards the front door of the gas station.  There was this cute guy standing outside smoking a cigarette (yuck!) and we happened to look at each other.  Minus the cigarette, this dude was hot!

I'm married but my eyes still work.  :)

As I was standing there waiting for the tank to fill up I happened to notice that the cutie was starting to walk across the parking lot and it seemed he was walking right towards me.  And I mean he was making a bee line for me.  My defenses came flying up.  No longer was he a hot he was just a weirdo walking towards the pouring rain.  If it was a sunny day I may not have noticed, but it was raining hard and he was obviously walking towards me.

Frick, frack, fruck!  I was looking for an easily accessible weapon that I could grab in the next 1.8 seconds I had before he got to me.  I didn't know what to expect.

He walks up to me, stops about 3 feet away and says, "Hello."

I ignore him.

He repeats himself and this time I reply with a short and curt, "What?," while obviously looking NOT in his direction.  Everything in my body language was saying, "Not interested, man.  Get away.  I have no cash and NO you cannot have a ride." 

He said something else but I was imagining how fast I could run and how loud I could scream, just in case.  Suddenly the word "beautiful" caught my ear and I looked at him and with some serious attitude I said, "Whaaat?"  I thought he had said something sexual/inappropriate.  He repeated himself.

"I walked over here to tell you that I think you're beautiful."

I realize he's serious and I start laughing.  Hard.  I mean, I was pretty sure I looked anything but beautiful at this moment.  I was thinking, "Man this guy really wants money or a ride.  What a scrub!"

"No, really.  I don't want anything from you and I know this is random but I wanted to tell you that I think you're beautiful.  I walked over here to tell you that."

Pretty sure I'm red from embarrassment at this point.  

He smiles, "I walked over here in the rain to tell you that.  In the rain."

I stop laughing and say, "Thank you."  He walks away.  I am laughing to myself.  Why am I so paranoid!?!  As I'm telling myself to chill out I don't realize that my gas tank is full but the sensor didn't click it off.  The gas pouring onto my foot rudely pulls me out of my daydream.

Awesome Story #2:

I used to commute from Philadelphia to Manhattan every day for work.  My favorite train to catch was the 5:13 a.m. train.  Crazy, I know, but it was not quite as busy as the next couple of trains and I could sleep soundly for the whole ride.

One morning I arrived into Penn Station and was apparently p.a.s.s.e.d. out.  It was about 6:30 or so.  The conductor nudged me awake.  I was the last person on the train!  I grab my bag and start my walk up through the station still half asleep.

As I come up the stairs from underground I look up the stairwell and see this bee-YOO-tee-ful man at the top of the stairs.  He's looking at me, I'm looking at him.   

Suddenly I'm awake.
P.S. I'm single.  :)

I get to the top of the stairs and I'm thinking of how to say a sultry, "Hello".  I get to the top of the stairs and just as I'm about to pass him and flash a nice "good morning" smile HE... APPROACHES... ME!!!

"Excuse me," he says as he takes a step towards me.  

Oh my gosh.  I just wanted to smile and keep moving...this is more than I was prepared for and I was too tired to think quickly on my feet.

"Hi.  Good morning," I reply.  I stop and smile.

He leans in towards me and says, "I just wanted to let you know...that your zipper is down."

I'm pretty sure I died right there on the spot.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Remedy for Lip Balm and Aquaphor?

I know you're just dying for an update on little Sabrina right?

Well, let me tell you that this girl is still AWESOME!  Man, that kid makes us laugh, laugh, laugh. 

She is 2 1/2 now...going on 14 based on some of the attitude she throws.  I know, I know..."I wonder where she gets that from?"  I've heard it all before.

She is super independent.  She wants to do everything by herself.  She wants to dress herself and you cannot change any of it and I guess that's ok even if it means that she looks like she got dressed in the dark.

She loves jewelry as is obvious in the photo to the left.  She was jumping up and down on the bed wearing just a diaper and the bling-bling that is wrapped around her neck.  Auntie Heather was the big winner that weekend!  Sabrina's eyes about bugged out of her head when Auntie Heather came out with the necklaces.

The other night I was flipping through the channels when I stopped on the spanish speaking channel Telemundo.  Sabrina loves to watch this channel because of all the bling that the women (and men) sport.  Personally I think "Telemundo" must be Spanish for "What Not To Wear".  Most of those outfits are just embarrassing!   

She loves to play dress up and is convinced that she's a princess.  She got a chest filled with princess outfits complete with shoes and a crown from her Auntie Hes.  She calls it her "piao-piao" which is kind of a kids way of saying "pretty" in Chinese. 

She has a crazy shoe fetish.  Dave swears that it's from my genes and that I will be the one responsible for supporting this addiction.  As long as she wears the same size shoes as me I'm totally ok with that.  She loves Converse and has tons of them thanks to Grandma.  

She is obsessed with brushing her teeth and even likes to floss.  Pretty good, huh?  Gotta Give Daddy props for that!

And as you can see from the tooth brushing photo to your left I use her as my personal billboard.

And now for the piece de resistance!!!  She spends many mornings with Daddy in the bathroom while he gets ready for work.  She watches him get all dolled up for work and apparently has paid close attention when he applies hair product to his hair.  It's usually a light wax or something in a round container.

The other day she found a tin of my favorite lip balm.  It's Rosebud's Strawberry Lip Balm and Moisturizer.  Looks harmless right?

This stuff works like a charm.  And it's a addicting.

She sees me aply this stuff all the time.  Let me be clear that the only part of my body that I apply this to is my lips. 

Sabrina, however, apparently thought that this was a hair product as well as a facial moisturizer.

Check it out.

Please note the shiny forehead and the slick back mad scientist hairdo. 

And the big chunks of strawberry lip balm in her hair.
And she was absolutely, positively convinced that she looked gorgeous.  She was so proud of her hairdo.  
I washed her hair 3 times with dish soap and it didn't seem to help at all.  Then the next day she applied a liberal amount of Aquaphor to her hair and body.  This time we washed it with some baby oil to break down the wax and then washed it with dish soap and then did a little conditioner.  Clean hair!!!!

So that's your update.  Hope you enjoyed it! 

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Identity Crisis

This is NOT a bitch-fest about the struggles of parenting. I love being a parent. Period.

This IS a real life question of who I am, who I was, who I thought I was and who I want to be.

So here I am voicing my struggles and fears. Why? Because writing is way cheaper than therapy. I need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto 'paper'. And I know I'm not the only one out there. I've met others like me. And maybe I'll get a few words of advice from some of you out there?

I've quit my job, moved across the country to a very cold part of the world and have become a stay at home mom. I have never not worked and was a bit apprehensive about this new adventure but really looked forward to spending uninterrupted time with Sabrina.

I definitely have a much deeper level of respect for stay at home stay parents. This is not all fun and games, people!

Not too long ago my evenings consisted of choosing which restaurant/bar to meet my friends and these places were usually ranked by how good the dirty martinis were or what the happy hour deal was. Or maybe I worked late. Or had a date. Or I just went home and relaxed in the quiet with my cat in my itty bitty studio. I have always been and always wanted to be the career girl. I enjoyed and very much identified with being the girl who wore the clickity-clack stiletto's up and down 7th avenue and dressed to the nines.

Since I got pregnant and married (in that order, ha!) my life and body changed entirely. I have not worn most of those clothes or shoes since. Chasing after a toddler in heels is NOT easy. I've tried. I've donned a daily uniform of jeans and trapeze tops and Converse. Let me specify that this uniform is usually my 'out of the house' uniform. Even better is my 'not gonna see anyone today so I'll just sport my yoga pants and zip up sweatshirt' uniform.

Hot, right? I KNOW!!!

I would like to point out that I do still make time for an eyebrow wax. Can't let EVERYTHING go. Good God, that is a scary image.

I have definitely been struggling. Struggling with self identity, time management, MONEY management (down to 1 income), patience and an ever fluctuating level of self respect. I am constantly berating myself for not being a better mother or wife or person or woman or whoever and whatever it is that I happen to need to be.

Let me be clear about one thing, though. Would I trade my marriage, husband and child for anything? No. Not a chance.

I love my husband who is awesome beyond words. Thinks I'm hot and tells me so. He works hard for us.  My kid is hilarious and I love that I know and understand her better than most. I can translate most of what she says, no matter how gibberish-like it sounds. We watch morning cartoons and eat our peanut butter oatmeal wrapped together in a fleece blanket. We read books, color, talk, argue, go grocery shopping, fight, go to museums, play in the yard, etc... We make each other laugh. A LOT. My favorite most recent memory is of us going on a quick trip to Trader Joe's. She insisted on bringing her pet (wooden) cat that is on a leash. She walked it across the parking lot and all through the store. She talked to it, pet it and comforted it when it tipped over. She was the absolute center of attention everywhere we went that day and was clueless to it all. So awesome. 

What I could live without? The terrible 2 tantrums, the words "no" and "mine!" consistently pouring themselves out of my lovely daughter's mouth, judgmental people, freezing temps, my home being permanently decorated in cheerios, broken crayon bits and Mr. Potato Head body parts. 

What I would absolutely LOVE? To be able to pee in private. Seriously, I don't need an audience. That is #1 on my list. The next are in no particular order - another child/sibling for Sabrina, a maid once a month, to live in a home that was built after the 80's with good insulation and windows that keep cold air OUT, radiant heated floors, and a jacuzzi bath tub. I am pretty low maintenance, if you ask me.

I miss having daily interactions with adults. I miss conversations that are not wrapped around talk about our birthing experience or our kids, how to discipline, potty train, get them to sleep, etc... Or about breast feeding.

To feed via boob or formula? THAT is the question. Oh the controversy!

Everyone thinks their way is best and the only way to do it. Because of this I have made it an absolute rule to not offer unsolicited advice. And even then I preface my answers with, "I'm not saying this is the best way or that it will even work for you but this is what I did/do/have heard works..."

Wait. I lie. I do have two pieces of unsolicited advice. 1) DO NOT tell pregnant women your horrific pregnancy/birthing/miscarriage stories. Yes, many people need to be told this. I don't get it. And 2) DO NOT tell a woman that the choices she is making are wrong. For example, if you think breast feeding is the only way to go and your friend is not interested in breast feeding please keep your opinion to yourself unless asked. That bolded part is very, very, very important.  You know who you are. Trust me, most pregnant women are quite educated in this area as we read anything and everything we can get our hands on about pregnancy or raising a child. The bottom line is that things like this are a personal choice. I'm sure I'll get an angry email or comment about this. 

Can you tell that these are two very big points of contention with me? Yes. Yes they are.

But I digress... :)

I've never been one to put much weight in what other people think of me. Never really gave it much thought, to be honest. I mean, why should I care if someone likes/dislikes me? There are plenty of people I don't like what?

But now that I have a child suddenly there is a little more weight to this. While I still don't care what people think of me in terms of my faith, or what I wear, or where I shop or what I drive, I have found myself worrying about doing or saying something that will alienate my daughter from her peers. I don't know why this is a fear...but it is.

My struggle these days is in figuring out who I am now that I'm a parent with this enormous responsibility. As much as I hate to admit it, things have changed a lot. More than I anticipated. How do I get some of who I was and liked being and combine it with my current world?

Usually my posts end with some kind of conclusion or realization. Sorry to disappoint, but this post will not. I feel a bit lost and am trying to deal with it. Most days are awesome. Some days can't go by fast enough for me.

Just sayin'...

Monday, December 7, 2009


Yes, we/I disappeared for a moment there...but we're BACK. Lots of changes in our lives in the past 6 months and I'll give you a glimpse of some of the highlights soon. Just starting to come out of our little bubble up here in freezing New England.

In the meantime, there's nothing like the following clip to kill writer's block in a single moment. Seriously. It's one of the funniest Taiwanese news clips I've ever seen - and my fellow Taiwanese news watching peeps will agree that they give us plenty to heckle. Yes, it's in mandarin but trust me that you do not need to speak Chinese to understand what the reporter is saying. It may even make it funnier!

A picture is worth a thousand words in any language.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Recently I have noticed changes in my face and body, results of both age and childbirth. I've been thinking about all my years of working out, not working out, losing and gaining weight (not always in that order), years of hair colors, facials, mani and pedi's, all the times when I really gave a shit about my appearance and did everything I could possibly do, and the times when I burned out on all of that and said screw it - gimme a slice of pizza and a beer...or 4.

I hardly ever get carded anymore. When I do get carded it's by a cashier who is wearing a pin stating, "I card if you look younger than 50." Apparently I look younger than 50. This is a good thing.

I remember being at a friend's wedding when I was 28 or 29 and sitting at a table filled with her friends from high school. They were all easily 5 years younger than me and I was the only person who was carded by the server when they served the champagne toast. THAT was a compliment.

Want to know what ISN'T a compliment? When the punk ass kid in the security line who checks the passports and id's looks at my passport, looks at me, looks at my passport a little longer, looks at me, looks at the passport AGAIN (seriously), looks at me and then loudly exclaims,

"Wow! When did you take that photo?"

I start to smile.

He continues,
"You look so young in it! You should really get an updated photo in this thing."

Um, first of all I'm not old. I am, however, old enough and quite capable of kicking your ass.

Second, the photo was taken only a year ago and it wasn't even that great of a photo. So, bite me.

Third, it is 7a.m. and I have literally just rolled out of bed and into the airport. You won't let me come through with any liquids which includes coffee. Coffee, which my husband knows, is also known as my early morning attitude adjuster and facelift. So I wasn't looking even remotely close to my normally fantabulous self.

Who says that to someone? I was speechless. Speechless.

If only...

If only I had that hot steaming cup of coffee warming the palms of my hands as I came through the line. If only I'd been more prepared for your early morning verbal bitch slap. I'm a bit clumsy, you see, so there is a high probability that my cup may have "accidentally" fallen out of my hand and onto you.

Accidentally, of course.


Monday, March 16, 2009

The Countdown Begins!

Two weeks from today Dave leaves with a big ol' truck that will be packed to the gills, a friend who's flying up from Park City to accompany him, a car on a trailer and a cat. Quite a list, huh?

He will be driving approximately 3,100 miles to our new home in Nashua. Good thing he really likes road trips.

As of today, I have one month left before I leave. Sabrina and I will be staying with some friends for the few weeks in between which I think she will really enjoy because they have the sweetest 4 year old daughter. They speak French at home so maybe she'll pick it up and we can teach their daughter a little mandarin. It'll be like the UN all under the same roof.

A month from tomorrow Sabrina and I leave Seattle (boo hoo)...but we have decided to take the 'scenic' route, if you will, and will be arriving in Boston's Logan airport the first weekend in May. If all goes well and the weather cooperates we will be quite tan by the time we arrive.

Here's a hint about where we're going - they have perfected the many ways to eat poi. Do you know where we're going? If you are the first 3 to guess correctly I will bring you a 4 oz bottle of the AMAZING Maui Babe Browning Suntan Lotion. It is made with Kukui Nut Oil, Aloe, Kona Coffee Extract and Antioxidant Vitamins E, C and A.

I should warn you, however, that I'm PRETTY sure that there is absolutely no SPF in this stuff...but you'll look awesome. I promise. I like to mix it with a little spf suntan oil/lotion so that I don't burn. Just a suggestion. I hold no responsibility for any misuse of this product.

We have been purging and packing machines these past few weeks. We have donated quite a bit already to the department of family services and have more from this weekend.


I'll try to keep this blog updated while Dave is travelling so that we can all follow along with him on his road trip.

See you soon!