Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Three's a Crowd

I was dating this great guy.   He was awesome! 

And then I met...his boyfriend.

It's true.  It really happened.  It is one of Dave's favorite stories.

This was YEARS ago, mind you.  I was in my early to mid-20's, long before I learned to turn on my gay-dar.  I was at a party celebrating a mutual friend's birthday where this friend introduced me to who I like to refer to as "Shoulda' Been Obvious".

"Shoulda' Been Obvious" and I started chatting away and laughing, laughing, laughing, getting each other drinks and dancing the night away.  We made plans to hang out again.  And again.  And again.  Pretty soon we were spending lots of time together.  We would hug and then after a few weeks we would hold hands sometimes...and then after a little while longer we would kiss each other (just a peck) when we would greet or leave each other. 

(I know, this is so confusing right?)

Then one day he calls me to meet make plans for dinner and says, "I'm going to bring someone that I want you to meet, ok?"

Ok!  Sure!  The more the merrier.

So, imagine my surprise when I walk up to the bar at the restaurant and he introduces me to his friend.  Or as I like to call him "my boyfriend stealer", aka "Thief".  A little harsh, maybe, but who has control over what their mind decides is a very fitting nickname, hmmm?

"Thief" was nice, funny, cute and very welcoming.  After a few minutes he excused himself to use the restroom and as soon as he was out of earshot "Shoulda' Been Obvious" quickly turns to me and asks,

"Sooooo?  What do you think?"

I look at his smiling face and a little confused I ask, "About what?"

"Shoulda' Been Obvious"" points at "Thief's" bar stool and says, "About Thief!  Isn't he great?  I met him about a week ago and we've totally hit it off.  I really like him."

A bit of  a pause here.

Then all I could say was, "I didn't realize you were gay." 

He laughs and waves his hand not realizing I was serious, "Yeah, right!"

Holy shit.  What?  So incredibly confused.

You know the part in the movies where everything comes together and a million scenes come flying at you one after the other explaining little things that should have been obvious at the time but weren't and now are clear as a bell?  That's exactly what happened.

So to help all you lovely people from having your heart broken like mine was at that moment let me tell you the top 5 clues that SHOULD have made clear to me the fact that "Shoulda' Been Obvious" was Just Not That Into Me:

5.  He was an amazing dresser.  He would sometimes suggest a different accessory to the one I was wearing.  But these were the days where being "Metrosexual" was becoming more common.
4.  We dance, I lead.
3.  After a month of casually holding hands and pecks on the lips/cheek nothing else ever happened?
2. I order a Grey Goose Dirty Martini.  He orders a Zima.
1.  He introduces me to his new boyfriend.  Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  Ding! 

"Shoulda' Been Obvious" and I still keep in touch and he refers to me as his first and only girlfriend.  Thank goodness he has a sense of humor.  When he realized I was serious about not realizing he was gay he looked absolutely stunned.  And then he gave me a big smile and a huge hug and said, "You are nuts.  I love you!"


Monday, March 15, 2010


I can't believe I forgot to tell you guys about this...  vote for which story will go into my book of my most memorable/embarrassing moments. Put your vote in the comments. 

Awesome story #1:

It was early on a very, very rainy Monday morning.  I had run out of the house looking my usual fabulous self in yoga pants, tank with built in shelf bra (underwire is an absolute MUST after childbirth), my favorite zip front sweatshirt with a beautiful lotus flower embroidery on the front and black converse spattered with Pumpkin Spice paint from Behr.  Hair pulled into a ponytail and glasses to finish off this hot look.

On my way back home I stopped at the gas station.   As I got out of the car I happened to glance towards the front door of the gas station.  There was this cute guy standing outside smoking a cigarette (yuck!) and we happened to look at each other.  Minus the cigarette, this dude was hot!

I'm married but my eyes still work.  :)

As I was standing there waiting for the tank to fill up I happened to notice that the cutie was starting to walk across the parking lot and it seemed he was walking right towards me.  And I mean he was making a bee line for me.  My defenses came flying up.  No longer was he a hot he was just a weirdo walking towards the pouring rain.  If it was a sunny day I may not have noticed, but it was raining hard and he was obviously walking towards me.

Frick, frack, fruck!  I was looking for an easily accessible weapon that I could grab in the next 1.8 seconds I had before he got to me.  I didn't know what to expect.

He walks up to me, stops about 3 feet away and says, "Hello."

I ignore him.

He repeats himself and this time I reply with a short and curt, "What?," while obviously looking NOT in his direction.  Everything in my body language was saying, "Not interested, man.  Get away.  I have no cash and NO you cannot have a ride." 

He said something else but I was imagining how fast I could run and how loud I could scream, just in case.  Suddenly the word "beautiful" caught my ear and I looked at him and with some serious attitude I said, "Whaaat?"  I thought he had said something sexual/inappropriate.  He repeated himself.

"I walked over here to tell you that I think you're beautiful."

I realize he's serious and I start laughing.  Hard.  I mean, I was pretty sure I looked anything but beautiful at this moment.  I was thinking, "Man this guy really wants money or a ride.  What a scrub!"

"No, really.  I don't want anything from you and I know this is random but I wanted to tell you that I think you're beautiful.  I walked over here to tell you that."

Pretty sure I'm red from embarrassment at this point.  

He smiles, "I walked over here in the rain to tell you that.  In the rain."

I stop laughing and say, "Thank you."  He walks away.  I am laughing to myself.  Why am I so paranoid!?!  As I'm telling myself to chill out I don't realize that my gas tank is full but the sensor didn't click it off.  The gas pouring onto my foot rudely pulls me out of my daydream.

Awesome Story #2:

I used to commute from Philadelphia to Manhattan every day for work.  My favorite train to catch was the 5:13 a.m. train.  Crazy, I know, but it was not quite as busy as the next couple of trains and I could sleep soundly for the whole ride.

One morning I arrived into Penn Station and was apparently p.a.s.s.e.d. out.  It was about 6:30 or so.  The conductor nudged me awake.  I was the last person on the train!  I grab my bag and start my walk up through the station still half asleep.

As I come up the stairs from underground I look up the stairwell and see this bee-YOO-tee-ful man at the top of the stairs.  He's looking at me, I'm looking at him.   

Suddenly I'm awake.
P.S. I'm single.  :)

I get to the top of the stairs and I'm thinking of how to say a sultry, "Hello".  I get to the top of the stairs and just as I'm about to pass him and flash a nice "good morning" smile HE... APPROACHES... ME!!!

"Excuse me," he says as he takes a step towards me.  

Oh my gosh.  I just wanted to smile and keep moving...this is more than I was prepared for and I was too tired to think quickly on my feet.

"Hi.  Good morning," I reply.  I stop and smile.

He leans in towards me and says, "I just wanted to let you know...that your zipper is down."

I'm pretty sure I died right there on the spot.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Remedy for Lip Balm and Aquaphor?

I know you're just dying for an update on little Sabrina right?

Well, let me tell you that this girl is still AWESOME!  Man, that kid makes us laugh, laugh, laugh. 

She is 2 1/2 now...going on 14 based on some of the attitude she throws.  I know, I know..."I wonder where she gets that from?"  I've heard it all before.

She is super independent.  She wants to do everything by herself.  She wants to dress herself and you cannot change any of it and I guess that's ok even if it means that she looks like she got dressed in the dark.

She loves jewelry as is obvious in the photo to the left.  She was jumping up and down on the bed wearing just a diaper and the bling-bling that is wrapped around her neck.  Auntie Heather was the big winner that weekend!  Sabrina's eyes about bugged out of her head when Auntie Heather came out with the necklaces.

The other night I was flipping through the channels when I stopped on the spanish speaking channel Telemundo.  Sabrina loves to watch this channel because of all the bling that the women (and men) sport.  Personally I think "Telemundo" must be Spanish for "What Not To Wear".  Most of those outfits are just embarrassing!   

She loves to play dress up and is convinced that she's a princess.  She got a chest filled with princess outfits complete with shoes and a crown from her Auntie Hes.  She calls it her "piao-piao" which is kind of a kids way of saying "pretty" in Chinese. 

She has a crazy shoe fetish.  Dave swears that it's from my genes and that I will be the one responsible for supporting this addiction.  As long as she wears the same size shoes as me I'm totally ok with that.  She loves Converse and has tons of them thanks to Grandma.  

She is obsessed with brushing her teeth and even likes to floss.  Pretty good, huh?  Gotta Give Daddy props for that!

And as you can see from the tooth brushing photo to your left I use her as my personal billboard.

And now for the piece de resistance!!!  She spends many mornings with Daddy in the bathroom while he gets ready for work.  She watches him get all dolled up for work and apparently has paid close attention when he applies hair product to his hair.  It's usually a light wax or something in a round container.

The other day she found a tin of my favorite lip balm.  It's Rosebud's Strawberry Lip Balm and Moisturizer.  Looks harmless right?

This stuff works like a charm.  And it's a addicting.

She sees me aply this stuff all the time.  Let me be clear that the only part of my body that I apply this to is my lips. 

Sabrina, however, apparently thought that this was a hair product as well as a facial moisturizer.

Check it out.

Please note the shiny forehead and the slick back mad scientist hairdo. 

And the big chunks of strawberry lip balm in her hair.
And she was absolutely, positively convinced that she looked gorgeous.  She was so proud of her hairdo.  
I washed her hair 3 times with dish soap and it didn't seem to help at all.  Then the next day she applied a liberal amount of Aquaphor to her hair and body.  This time we washed it with some baby oil to break down the wax and then washed it with dish soap and then did a little conditioner.  Clean hair!!!!

So that's your update.  Hope you enjoyed it!